Video-game reviews, rants, pants and purpleness

Monday 10 November 2008

Boobies in mah video games?

Ain't a man entitled to see a little more woman flesh now and then? And ain't a lady got the rights to see more packets and pencils huh? Well now that I have your 'omg he's a pedo' attention, let's get started with the actual question.

Can sex and sexual content be balanced in videogames?

Ohjoy, Purple learn some big words! Lemme just introduce you to the 2nd ever MYD, I ask a question, do a wall of text about it, you don't read it, and +rep me saying ''nice work', k? (please note, that wasn't a damn hint, that is the actual instructions). Now let's get started with a couple of examples shall we?

Lara Croft



Who wouldn't? Seriously, if you got the chance for a quick tap at ol' Lara, you'd go for it. If you didn't you're either gay, a woman, a person with an ampututed YOUKNOWWHAT. I think we can all safely say, Tomb Raider woudldn't be the fun thing it is, without Lara, and Lara wouldn't be Lara without her melons and peach.

Good god I'm gonna love writing this thing, I can already tell! But anyway, can you actually imagine Tomb Raider... with say...



or



The Tomb Raider series is a great example of how you can shift 1 billionsizzlion copies, just by making your lead character
  1. Female
  2. Big jugs
  3. Peachy bum
  4. Thin waist
and then you could probably buy Canada or something, just by these 4 things, if you take away Tomb Radier's gunplay, story, main action, voice acting then you're just left with softcore pornograpy, but even that would shift a couple a million of copies now wouldn't it? But take away Lara from the series... and yeah... 2 copies sold... in Belgium.

Lara's sellin' by the millions, maybe not just for the coolish gameplay, 'cause she's become the sex symbol of gaming. It's a good balance I think, alot of people go for it for the woman, but end up getting a good game, that's what's called sexual/gameplay balance.

Hot Coffee




When San Andreas was released, we all went bananas, you went bananas, I went bananas, the world went bananas, especially the lawyers... and even Arnold Godamn Schwazernegger. So just about eery single person over 50 was trying to get this thing either banned, recalled, edited or 'removed'. But the BFBC and all the other ratings people said that SA had furfilled all requirements to JUST get a 18+ rating, and not the AO version.

Unfortunately... Rockstar made a huge, HUGE, HUUUUGE oopsie during development. A sex minigame that was activated by a simple little altering of the game, by some dutch guy, the game was pulled from shelves, eaten alive by lawyers and Jack Thompson got that bike he always wanted. Rockstar was ruined... to the max.

Now here's something you don't here everyday... especially from me... Hot Coffee would've been probably a defining part of SA... yes I can hear you dialing 999 right now, but please read on. If you take away GTA's drugs, gangstas, guns, swears, racial discrimination, main sex appeal, main sexual stuff, gangs, wars, etc. Then your left with a fun driving game, and I dare say that Hot Coffee would've given the fun driving game, an 18+.

Obviously, the full game at the time, was sexually overbalanced, AS IF IT WASN'T WORSE ENOUGH! I think it's like birds imploding all over the world... then it rains glue. Rockstar pulled a HUGE, HUGE OOPSIE by leaving it in the code... now wheres that Gamemax hot coffee Cheat..

Games based wholy around sex



Ughh.. I hated getting to this part, there's no more pictures guys... so you might as well go home! But anyway, games wholely designed on you having sex or 'gettin' sum' are just seriously immature. Ithink us men would get a better turn on at Lara than this... stuff... these type of games are either designed for sheer perverts or just sad sad people. And I'm sure we're both of them!

Not really, but these games do horribly unwell, sell 2 copies (to Belgium), yet they still get made. In fact, the NDS Sex Game market as seriously increased over the past couple of years. I don't know about you but (here comes the part were I go on and on about nothing) sex games are just.. uneeded! I don't know anyone who can... well... you know... and hold a controller at the same time. I don't know any couple who can do it while holding a pad either.

If we can embrace sexuality, like art as done, as more of a form of expression and not of female exploitation. I believe we can go into a new form of gaming, full of relationshps, emotions and generally better structured games. Okay, I'll admit, I want to see more of Lara, but who doesn't? It's just a little instinct us males get whenever we see hotness, but as long as we are rewarded with hotness, and not slammed it in our faces, then it's ok-ish.

To go from ok-ish, we've still gotta be quite reasonable and mature about sex in videogames. When you pass a level, we don't expect to see an actual picture of Lara naked (although, that would be nice), we expect her to maybe develop a relationship with someone over the course of the game, and eventually we get rewarded (big time). I honestly believe, if we can control our primitive urges, then it'll lead to better structed games, and a more balanced tolerance from the ratings companies.

I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you d... oh sorry, wrong line. Purple out.

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